


if i could have chosen

by sibley (ferns)



Series: grace [2]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), Supergirl (TV 2015), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Acceptance, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-03-01 06:17:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13288794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferns/pseuds/sibley
Summary: There's a list in Barry and Iris's apartment of people they're inviting to the wedding. For Barry, it doubles as a coming out to-do list.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel hell yeah. No transphobia in this chapter just....good family acceptance.

Before she even tries coming out to the rest of the people on her long list entitled ‘People Invited to the Wedding' in big bold letters, Barry goes to find Jay Garrick.

Nobody knows how he got out of the speed force prison, much less Jay himself. Barry’s personal theory is that Savitar went back inside of it to live instead of dying. She’d been desperate enough to try something like that, Barry was sure of it. But there’s no proof and the speed force itself isn’t going to tell them anything anytime soon.

She hasn’t seen Jay since he got out. Wally made excuses for her to him, which she’s eternally grateful for. She’s not sure how she’ll handle seeing a man with the very same face as her father while wearing-these clothes. It’s one of the days where she’s not sure if she wants to scream until she cries or cry until she screams because she  _ knows  _ she’s a girl, a woman, and has ever since she was little, but she doesn’t  _ feel  _ like one. Barry’s stomach twists itself up into tight knots every time she even considers talking to Jay. He’s not her dad, not really, but his nearly inevitable rejection will feel like it comes from Henry.

Barry tries to tell herself that Jay won’t reject her, and even if he does it’s not a reflection of how Henry would feel if he were alive.  _ Tries  _ being the key word, since her anxiety is spiking higher by the second and her pacing has just about worn a hole in the floor by their couch. Iris is at work, like Barry would be if she hadn’t finished her (and Forrest’s, to his delight) paperwork earlier in half the time it would usually take. Barry keeps turning around and expecting to see her girlfriend sitting there. Waiting to talk her out of this.

There’s a knock on the door and Jay calls through the door, “Is this the right address? The letters on this phone Cisco gave me are too small and I can’t figure out how to make them bigger.”

Barry jumps in place and smoothes down the front of her skirt in a frantic motion. She can do this. She can do this. She  _ knows _ she can do this. “This is the right address!” Nerves make her voice go high and then break, and she swallows in frustration. A higher voice would usually be a good thing, but-she swallows again and licks her lips. Okay. Okay. “Uh-the door’s unlocked, you can just come in…”

The first thing she thinks when she sees Jay is ‘ _ God, I miss my dad.’  _ The second thing is  _ ‘Should I tell him his shirt is on inside out? Does he know?” _

He smiles at her and looks around. “Nice place!” The accent that’s a mix between completely alien-it sounds almost like the strange buzz Harry and Jesse have to their voice, so she assumes it’s a product of being from another Earth-and something vaguely southern sounds weird in Barry’s ears coming out of her father’s mouth. “What’d you want to talk to me about?”

Barry tucks her hands behind her back before she can start wringing them nervously. “Uh-well-”

Jay looks her up and down and Barry fights off the urge to run off and change clothes at super speed. She’s suddenly aware of how ugly she must look and how much she’s-no, no, she can’t do this, that’s-this was a mistake. Barry doesn’t need her father’s validation  _ this  _ badly. She can’t do this. She  _ can’t  _ do this.

“Nice dress,” Jay says. His voice is different. More gentle. “Where’d you get it? I wonder if I could pick something like it up on this Earth for my Joan.”

“It’s not-it’s not a dress,” Barry manages to get out. She can’t wear dresses out in public yet, not really. Too many of them hug her chest and while the ones that make her look like she has curves where she really doesn’t are nice the rest just remind her how flat her chest is and how thin her hips are and how awful she looks in dresses. “It’s-it’s a skirt, it’s really a skirt, it’s just a similar color, so it-kind of looks like a dress… And I don’t-I don’t know where I got it, it was a gift from Cisco so you’d have to ask him, and-and-”

Jay’s still looking at her expectantly and her throat is burning and her vision is starting to blur and then Barry starts crying and can’t stop.

“Oh, heck-I didn’t mean to make you-” He rushes over and awkwardly pats her shoulder. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

Barry wipes at her eyes with the back of her sleeves. “‘M sorry, I really am, I mean-I’m sorry.”

“Crying is natural.” Jay smiles widely, and Barry almost loses control again. “And I really do like your dress-I mean, your skirt.”

“I’m a girl,” Barry says fast, before she can start crying again. “That’s-that’s why I’m wearing it. I wouldn’t-I mean-I-I could wear it, if I wasn’t, but I am. So I’m wearing it.”

“Well,” Jay answers, sounding awkward, “that’s nice?” Barry stares at him and he throws his hands up. “Hey, don’t think I’m mad or anything! That’s the same way I responded to Joan when she told me and it worked out just fine then and I’ll be darned if I make you uncomfortable by getting something wrong!”

Barry stubbornly resists saying  _ “I’ll be darned?”  _ in a shocked voice. Just barely, but she resists. She also manages to resist asking if Jay is  _ sure  _ he’s actually midwestern like she is. Instead, she says “You mention Joan a lot,” because that’s easier than saying anything else, whether it’s about Jay’s accent or about her female-ness. “Who is she?”

It’s like watching a lightbulb turn on. Jay’s whole face lights up and Barry won’t let herself cry at seeing someone who looks like her father be so  _ happy  _ but she really, really wants to. “Joan’s my wife!” Jay says proudly. He starts fumbling around in his pockets and pulls out his wallet. Barry’s not entirely sure how he still has it after the speed force prison, but she’s not about to ask. He shows her a picture inside it. “Isn’t she beautiful?”

Barry nods, throat tight.

She doesn’t know  _ why  _ she always assumed that Jay’s wife or girlfriend, if he had one, would look like Nora, but she did. And now, to see that she  _ doesn’t,  _ even if Joan  _ is  _ admittedly a very beautiful woman, it’s… It makes something in Barry’s mouth taste bad and she doesn’t know why. She tells herself to calm down. Jay isn’t her father and he never was. The Nora on his Earth is probably perfectly happy with whoever she decided to settle down with, and even if she  _ didn’t  _ settle down then she’s still probably happy.

Barry looks at the picture of Joan, all smiling dark eyes and curly dark hair and a purple dress, and feels something in her lungs tighten. That could have been her mother, on Earth-3, if things were different. This stranger with dark brown skin and laugh lines around her mouth and a thin silver chain around her neck that disappeared under her shirt before Barry could get a look at the charm on it. That could have been her mother.

It takes her a second to realize that the man she’s standing with in the photo, who she’s leaning on for support while she laughs, isn’t Jay.

His hair is blond and fluffy, and even though he’s smiling Barry can see that his eyes are bright blue. He’s wearing a woolen green sweater that looks a little lumpy and lopsided and is probably handmade. Barry frowns a little. “Who’s that?”

“Oh, that’s our-that’s our, uh, friend.  _ My _ friend, mostly. I guess.” Jay fidgets uncomfortably and tries to his wallet away, but Barry’s grip on the picture is too strong. “His name is Alan. He’s-he’s great. A superhero! Like me! We work together a lot. On a team and everything.”

There’s a long silence as Barry looks back and forth between the two happy people in the photograph and Jay himself. There’s words that she  _ should  _ say, words like  _ people on this Earth don’t usually carry around pictures of their best friends with them everywhere.  _ Words like  _ you should go back to Earth-3, he and Joan probably miss you a whole lot.  _ Instead, Barry tugs on the hem of her shirt a little bit. “...Jay? I need to talk to you some more about this.” She takes a shaking breath. “About me being a girl. Okay?”

This time, she lets him put his wallet away. He smiles at her and pats her on the shoulder. “Of course. Should I, uh, sit?”

“Go ahead.” Barry sets her shoulders. “I have a lot I want to talk to you about.”

* * *

“How was your day?” Barry leans on the back of Iris’s chair and kisses the top of her head.

Iris leans back in her seat and sighs, rubbing her hand down her face. “Fine.  _ Exhausting,  _ though. Finished my article and I got to catch up with Sue over the phone-she and Ralph should be back from their honeymoon in time for the wedding, which is good. But good  _ God  _ that man does  _ not  _ shut up for a second, does he?”

“No, he does not,” Barry agrees with a small huff, burying her face in the back of Iris’s neck. She takes a deep breath. “You smell good.”

“I shouldn’t, I was at work all day,” Iris laughs, turning so she can pull Barry into a kiss. “How about you?”

“...I came out to Jay. And then went to Earth-3 and met his wife. And his husband. And I met a scary boxer.” Barry presses her forehead against Iris’s. “So it was a pretty boring day.”

“You went to Earth-3 and you met Jay’s wife-and… Husband?-and you didn’t invite me?” Iris mock frowns. “I’m disappointed.”

“I’ll take you there sometime,” Barry promises. She sighs. “I’ll-I’ll tell you more about it later. Alright? I promise. It was just… A little overwhelming. Jay’s wife, Joan-she’s very nice, but-she doesn’t look anything like my mom, y’know? And I guess that was a little bit of a shock. And it was so stressful to come out to Jay… Do you think I should cancel meeting Cisco’s sister tomorrow?”

“I’m sure Armando won’t mind if you reschedule,” Iris assures her, squeezing her hand and looking at her with concern. “I’m sorry, I should’ve been home today.”

“No, no,” Barry says fast, “it wasn’t like that. I mean, of course it would’ve been nice if you were home, if I had my wish neither of us would ever have to work again and we could just stay curled up together in our bed forever, but it wasn’t like that. I think telling Jay was something I needed to do alone, just for my own mental health.”

Iris gives her a kiss. “I’m glad it went well, then. You wanna watch a movie with me or something to calm down?”

“...Yeah. That’d be nice.” Barry watches Iris finish up her paper.  _ God, I am  _ so _ lucky to have you.  _ “I think I wanna visit my dad’s grave tomorrow. Even if I do go see Armando, there’ll be time to visit it in the morning.” Barry’s pretty sure the only reason she doesn’t feel like she’s about to start crying is because she already cried herself out earlier. “I need to talk to him.”

Iris looks at her, expression completely unreadable for Barry. “Okay. Do you want me to go with you?”

Barry shakes her head. “It’s okay.” She chews on her lip. “It’s okay. I think-I think this is another thing I have to do alone, if that makes any sense.”

Jay isn’t her father. She knows that, now more than ever. She really, truly does know it. But she needs to go see her  _ real _ father and thank him for accepting her regardless. Jay is the closest thing she’ll ever get to seeing her dad in the flesh again. It’s only fair that she thank him for being so understanding and for accepting her as his daughter and not as his son. 

And as much as Barry loves Iris so much it makes her  _ hurt,  _ sometimes, because of how lucky she knows she is to have someone like Iris by her side for the rest of her life, she’s not sure how to explain that to Iris in a way that will make sense. So she has to do this alone.

Barry has to talk to her father alone. 


	2. Chapter 2

Barry’s been dreading talking to Joe.

She rescheduled her trip to see Armando for the upcoming Friday, which Armando promised her was fine, but that means that she finally doesn’t have an excuse to keep avoiding Joe, and she knows he doesn’t have an excuse for why he’s been avoiding  _ her. _

It’s not obvious that he’s doing it. They still talk and interact like they normally would. He just cuts it a little bit shorter, looks at her for a little bit too long when he thinks that she’s not looking. Barry knows Iris has figured out something is wrong just like she has, and Cisco too, but she doesn’t… She doesn’t know about anyone else. Julian definitely hasn’t, not that he’s around much. Wally… Maybe.

Barry hopes she’s just reading too much into it. Maybe he’s just having some trouble adjusting? Just because Iris and Cisco didn’t doesn’t mean that nobody will. Hell, Wally still slips up, but he recovers fast and makes sure to apologize and move on quickly so it’s not an ordeal for her. Joe hasn’t slipped up yet, or at least she can’t remember him doing it, but it still feels weird to be around him. Not scary, but way too tense for comfort.

Barry shifts nervously in her seat at Joe’s dining room table while Cecile pats her arm reassuringly. Even though there’s a weird tension between her and Joe, it’s not there between her and Cecile, despite the fact that she slips up more than he does. Which is kind of surprising, actually, since she’s known Joe for way longer and if she had to guess, before she came out, which one of the two of them would slip more, she’d guess Joe. Not out of malicious intent, but out of over a decade of habit. 

The door opens and Barry jumps a little, knuckles whitening as she automatically grips the table. Joe barely glances at her and Cecile as he hangs up his coat and heads into the kitchen to grab an orange, and Cecile rubs the back of her hand a little when she realizes that Barry’s literally vibrating with anxiety. It’s not that she thinks Joe doesn’t accept her, he’s made it clear that he does, but there’s obviously  _ something  _ there that he doesn’t want to bring up. And she’s afraid of what it might be.

She watches Joe kiss Cecile’s cheek through eyes that are starting to feel like they belong to someone else, and then watches Joe sit down and peel his orange, and then says fast before the vomit can start to crawl up her throat, “Do you hate me?”

Joe looks at her like she just broke his heart and reaches across the table to squeeze her hand tightly. “Oh, god, Barry, I-of  _ course  _ I don’t hate you, I’m so sorry, did I-did I do something that made you think that I…?”

“No,” she says fast, shaking her head just a little bit too quickly. “I-no.” It’s true. Joe’s loved her since the day he met her, when he couldn’t get her and Iris down from the playground after school because the bark chips were lava and they’d  _ die  _ if they touched them. “But I don’t know-you’re-something’s  _ weird  _ now, between us. Right?”

“I’m sorry you noticed,” Joe sighs. Cecile stands up and leaves without a word, heading upstairs. This isn’t something for her to hear. “I thought I was being… I don’t know, subtle. You and Iris always knew me the best, though.” He looks at Barry, eyes wet. “I’m sorry. I love you, sweetheart. You’re one of my girls. But I can’t help but feel that a part of this is my fault.”

“That a part of what is your fault?” Barry feels like she’s about to explode, like any second now the lightning will burst out of her veins and scorch the table to dust. “Me being…”

“No. That’s  _ you, _ no matter how many people raised you, no matter who was there when you were growing up. I just feel like… Like I should have  _ known.”  _ Joe’s shoulders slump. “I feel like I should have noticed that you were hiding a part of yourself. That you didn’t feel like you could tell me and Iris or  _ anybody  _ that you weren’t entirely who we thought you were. It feels like now, every time I look at you, I see the little girl I could’ve been helping.”

“Oh.” Barry’s throat is too tight for anything else to come out, and she can’t quite manage to breathe past the lump that’s suddenly made its home there. She suddenly can’t look Joe in the eye, not that she can actually see his face through the sudden rush of tears. “I-oh.”

“If I-no.  _ Whatever  _ I did, whatever it was that made you feel like you couldn’t tell me that you were a girl-a woman, now-I’m sorry. I wish I could take it back.” Joe’s still looking at her, dark eyes gentle, and Barry just can’t take it anymore.

She’s on his side of the table in two seconds, throwing her arms around him and hugging into him so tightly it almost hurts while she sobs so hard it feels like her lungs are going to burst inside her ribcage. “You didn’t do anything,” Barry chokes out through her tears, sure that Joe can feel her shaking. “You didn’t do  _ anything,  _ I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart.” Joe hugs her back, just as tightly even as it makes his bad shoulder complain, and she closes her eyes as she sniffles into his chest. “It’s okay. I got you. It’s okay.”

Barry thinks, certainly not for the first time, about what would have happened if she had come out the way Joe said-as a kid, maybe not long after her mom died maybe even before, and had grown up in maybe just one, maybe two different houses as a girl. If she had decided on a name as a kid, and gotten it changed maybe when she was eighteen but maybe before that, about what her life would have been like, and she cries even harder.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a roll. 
> 
> While no sex actually takes place in this chapter, it _is_ the 'theme' of it, so be aware of that, along with what that entails, including dysphoria related to sex and to gender in general, a very brief, nongraphic, nonspecific, and vague reference to nonconsensual sex, and unhealthy relationships to/with sex. If knowing that makes you feel like you can't read this chapter for whatever reason, feel free to skip it and come back for the next one! No judgement here.

Alright, she can do this. It’s no different than all the other things she’s asked her friends for help with in the past, right? Right. Totally. (It’s  _ absolutely  _ not the same.) She can absolutely do this. Barry swallows down her embarrassment for about the fiftieth time since she arrived and braces her hands against the countertop. “I need your help.”

“You always need my help,” Sue says mildly from where she’s eating her lunch on the couch across the room. Apparently there was some sort of an alien incident and her and Ralph had to cut their honeymoon even shorter than expected. “And no, I’m not giving you any gift-giving advice this time. You’re the one who’s about to be married to Iris, not me.”

“It’s not about that.” Barry was supremely grateful that she was facing toward a wall, so that Sue couldn’t see that her face had turned as red as her Flash suit. “I just-I didn’t know who else to ask about this because-I-well, I don’t know-”

“Just ask, Barry. The longer you wait the more awkward this is gonna get.” The last few words are said around a mouthful of spaghetti, which puts Barry at ease a little bit. It’s Sue. Their friend. Okay, Iris’s friend more than Barry’s, which is why she asks her for gift-giving advice so often, even though she’s known Iris for years longer, but that’s not the point. Friend. She can ask this question.

“You and Ralph have sex, right?” As soon as it’s out of her mouth, Barry regrets asking it, but at the same time she knows she can’t take it back, which is kind of freeing. Now she doesn’t have to stress about asking it anymore. Right? Right.

“Um. Not that it’s any of your business, but yes. We do.” Barry doesn’t need to be turned around to know that Sue is currently staring at her. She winces and is on the couch next to her in two seconds, staring at Sue’s spaghetti plate instead of at her face. 

“How?” Barry asks weakly, kneading her knuckles into her thighs through her red leggings. “How do you do it without wanting to-to tear all your skin off?”

Sue’s face softens immediately. “Oh, Barry… I’m sorry.” She takes Barry’s hand and sets her spaghetti down on the coffee table, pausing whatever trashy reality TV thing she’s been making fun of. “Look, everybody’s different, okay? I’ve never really had much of a problem with it, y’know? All of my issues come from other stuff.”

“It’s  _ hard.  _ It wasn’t this hard before I came out, it wasn’t easy but it made Iris happy and I liked it, I didn’t hate it or anything, and now-” Barry closes her eyes, frustrated. “And now I do. We’ve only tried a-a few times, but we can’t even- _ I  _ can’t even-”

“I really don’t think I have any advice for you,” Sue admits. “I was eight when I came out. I never had sex before I realized I was a woman, or after I knew but before I told anybody. I really think the only thing I can tell you is stuff you’ve probably already read about. Like trying new positions and putting more of a focus on what Iris’s body looks like instead of on your own. But really all you have to do is just… Understand yourself.”

“It’s not that  _ easy.”  _ Barry’s shoulders curve inwards and she hunches in on herself. She tries not to be jealous of Sue-and Cindy, too, actually-she really does, but it’s hard. They’re both on hormones, and have been for years, and they’re both naturally short, and both of them seem at least outwardly comfortable in their own skins. Barry knows it’s not fair. And it’s not like they don’t struggle with stuff, especially since neither of them are white, and she very much is. But-fuck.

“You probably already know this,” Sue says softly, squeezing Barry’s hand just a little bit too tight for a second before letting go, “but it isn’t easy for anybody. Sometimes I can’t get out of bed, and sometimes it’s so  _ exhausting  _ to take estrogen, and sometimes I can’t find my breast forms and sometimes-it’s just  _ hard,  _ Barry. It’s hard for everyone. We’re all just trying to get to a place where it isn’t hard anymore. Maybe when you get to that place, having sex will feel okay. But maybe it won’t. And I need you to listen to me for this next part- _ that’s okay too, Barry.” _

“But Iris likes it,” Barry objects, vibrating a little in place. “And I used to like it too. Or at least-it was fun? It was okay. It’s not like we built our relationship on it or anything, but it was-it was good. It was a nice thing for us to do, and I want to go back to that, because I know Iris likes it, and I want to make Iris happy.”

“You know what I think would make Iris much happier than seeing you trying to force yourself to be comfortable with something that makes you feel disgusting?” Sue raises her eyebrows. “Seeing you be comfortable and happy with yourself. That’s what’s important. If you feel like you can do that with sex, then whatever, as long as you’re safe, and it’s not like I can stop you from trying. But if it makes you feel bad, don’t do it. Applies with anything.”

“But I-” Barry stops herself and swallows thickly. Her chest feels tight and funny and sharp, like there’s a heavy rock lodged somewhere deep inside her ribs. “I’m trying to keep things the way they were before,” she admits, ducking her head down even further. “If I can’t-you know-then something’s changed. And I don’t want things to change, just because I told everybody that I’m  _ me.” _

All of a sudden Sue is hugging her, and Barry’s hugging her back, and she tries not to think about the too-hard angles of her body, and how tall she is, and how strangle and blocky her shoulders are, and it doesn’t really work, like, at all, but she doesn’t start crying, so she considers that something of a victory. Barry feels like she’s been crying an awful lot lately, and she’s still going to meet Armando tomorrow, so she’d like to save some of her tears for that. Or something.

“Me, and Iris, and everyone else who cares about you-we just want you to be happy,” Sue says solemnly. “Do you understand that? I’m sure Iris doesn’t care if you decide to take sex of the table for the time being, or forever, or for as long as you want. Because she wants you to be happy. She wouldn’t be your fiancée if she didn’t want you to be happy.”

“I know. I  _ know.  _ But I want  _ Iris  _ to be happy, too,” Barry says, frustrated. “More than anything, that’s all I want. She’s the person I love the most, and I just want her to be  _ happy. _ You want Ralph to be happy, don’t you?”

“Of course I do. He’s my husband. But I don’t want him to be happy at the expense of my comfort, and you shouldn’t want Iris to be happy at the expense of yours. Just like you wouldn't want her to try to make herself do something she isn't comfortable with. You love her. She loves you. You don’t have to have sex right now for that to be true, even if you used to. There’s plenty of other stuff you can do.” Sue shrugs.

Barry closes her eyes. She’s definitely  _ not  _ going to cry. Not again. “This  _ sucks.” _

“Yeah, I know. But it’ll be okay.” Sue rubs Barry’s shoulder gently. “Remember, we’re all just trying to get to a place where we’re comfortable with ourselves.”

* * *

“I don’t think I can try having sex again for awhile,” Barry says softly, staring at the TV screen as Captain America does a backflip over a car before getting shot at. Somehow, it’s not really holding her interest. “I’m sorry.”

Iris cuddles a little closer to her, yawning loudly. She had a long day, which is why they’re having a movie night. No matter how horrifying or chaotic it might be, movies never fail to make Iris exhausted. “It’s okay. You know I just want you to be happy, right?”

“Right,” Barry says, even quieter this time, voice almost hidden by the fictional gunfire. She swallows. No bad reaction. Just warm, soft, familiar Iris. The woman she’s going to marry. “That’s right.”

_ Remember, we’re all just trying to get to a place where we’re comfortable with ourselves. _

Barry knows she’s not there yet. That’s a big  _ yet,  _ for her. So maybe one day she’ll be ready. And if she is, Iris will be there, she knows that. But she also knows, deeply, that if she isn’t, not ever, Iris will be there then, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws a rock through todd helbing's window* sue is a trans woman you coward.


End file.
